Disappointment

Refering to the posting on 30 Sept I am not the same Ben

I have failed terribly, miserably and horribly. Probably i have not changed and have still remain the same person. Maybe I was just trying to hide all those horrible stuff and look as if i have changed. Maybe all these is a self induced thing and that i actually never really changed. It's just so sad and tiring. I am so tired and weary, always disappointing the people around me, making lousy decisions and screwing things up. I guess God is a God of second chances, third chances or even more. But I do not know if i am willing to give myself that kind of chance again and again disappointing the people around me, and worst of all disappointing God.

Dream:

Standing at the edge of a cliff. The wind blowing against face, as i glance over the high cliff. I looked up into the sky as if I can see God's face, and said, " Dear God, both You and I know that I dare to do it. I would dare take this step and end it all. So please tell me what to do? I lift up my leg as i glance over the cliff once again. and i closed my eyes ....


to be continued....