Bloody technology makes cars more pricey

When unreason gives way to road rage

By Andrew Thomas: Tuesday 24 August 2004, 13:59
CRUISE CONTROLS are an expensive extra on some cars. Not mine, obviously, which comes as standard with Jacuzzi, minibar, photon torpedoes and a sign on the front in mirror writing reading 'GET OUT OF MY WAY – GIVE YOUR CHILD A CHANCE'. But let's face it, cruise control is really just aimed at people too poor to afford a chauffeur.

The advent of the microchip –the 'brain' of a computer* - means things that once would have been impossible in automotive terms are now simple to achieve. Engines can monitor themselves constantly and make fine adjustments to the ignition and fuel injection while recording every fault as it occurs, enabling mechanics to identify problems accurately.

But for each genuine technological advance, cars are afflicted with a dozen examples of useless technology fitted solely to increase the selling price. I'm thinking of things like satellite navigation – who needs that when you can ask your wife to map read? OK, maybe that wasn't the best example. How about GPS? Well, as my old dad always used to say "Son, if you want to know where you are, look out of the window."

Rain-sensing wipers and automatic headlights. Purrrleeese. Anyone unobservant enough not to notice it's raining or that it's midnight shouldn't be driving in the first place. Day riding lights should actually reduce the cost of a Volvo by about £5 as it means they can save on the price of a light switch, but of course it doesn't.

Airbags are widely regarded as a boon to safety, but a large spike in the centre of the steering wheel would do far more to increase safety at a much lower cost by raising driver concentration levels. Knowing you face certain bloody death in the event of a frontal impact would make most drivers take a little more care. And God knows how rear impacts have been caused by people tailgating in order to read the sticker in the back window that says 'side impact protection system'.

Voice control: just say 'no'. Or rather don't say it, because the car will instantly select reverse, tune into Saga FM, switch off the ignition and open the sunroof (but only if the rain-sensing wipers have detected you're sitting in a monsoon). Worse still is speech synthesis. If I want a strident female voice telling me I should have turned left at the last junction, or to slow down and mind that lorry, I'll get married again.

Reverse park sensors produce an annoying beep if they think you're about to back into a wall. A low-tech alternative would be to use the mirror. Real cheapskates could even look over their shoulder.

Heated windscreens are, on the face of it, quite a useful piece of technology unless you happen to live in Dubai. But why spend the extra when using your credit card to scrape the ice off works just as well and doesn't incur any interest charges?

The only sensible option is to go for an old car without any of these fantastic features, or alternatively to buy a new Mercedes in which case they'll be fitted but won't work. µ

*apologies – I'm planning to syndicate this piece to the BBC

the inquirer